I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
