before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
