I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
