Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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