That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize