his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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