my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
