Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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