weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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