So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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