I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
