"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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