well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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