its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
