Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
