tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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