im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
