4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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