my being single is dangerous.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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