Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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