Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i've created a new STD.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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