I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
