just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
