i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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