no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
