She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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