i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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