Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
