Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize