farters have to be the big spoon...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
