so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
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