It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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