Cold hands, warm shart.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
