All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
