Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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