i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize