matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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