so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize