Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
