Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am available for nakedness
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
