Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
