Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize