WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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