well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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