see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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