i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
