just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
