I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
