How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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