the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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