Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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