i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
