We got so high we made milksteak
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
