i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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