I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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