my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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