Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm going to jail i love you
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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