so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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