Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
