Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
